I never thought it would be this hard. Having a baby. One of my friends accurately described my feelings the other day. She said, “You think you’ll be able to do everything you did before, plus have a baby.”
Deep down I knew, back when I was pregnant, that it would not be possible. As I went about my daily duties, and helped Seth with chores occasionally, I would think, “Boy, I can barely keep up now; how in the world will I be able to have my workload and a baby?” Or, “If I could just get ‘ahead,’ I would be free to handle anything when the baby came. Sounds like a bad case of nesting now that I look back.
One of the things I decided to do before I had my baby and became a mom was to paint our sunroom and use it as a sewing room, and, most importantly, a place to journal, blog, and have my devotions. I painted the ceiling yellow, and the walls a light grey. I had had a room like that back home that I had painted kelly green, my favorite color, and I used it for the same purposes, along with my piano playing. Years ago I read in a devotional book, (or maybe a wise lady told me) to have a “spot” where you always have your devotions. A special place. The same place. This room would serve that purpose. I planned to start blogging weekly before I even had Mia, in order to RETAIN some small part of my individuality. I suppose it’s the same reason Seth yearns to go hunting and fishing, but more on that later.
Well, obviously I didn’t start blogging then. Which leads me to the main point of this post. How do moms find TIME to think? To pray? To really search God and the Scriptures? To really meditate on the meaning and purpose of life? These past couple weeks, I’ve been thinking to myself that I’ve got some great material to work with. That sounds incredibly crass, because as you all know I’ve also had to said goodbye to my Dad recently. But that’s what I mean. I tried to explain it in a testimony/prayer request at church...I asked them to give me grace as I grieve my dad’s passing—to not be offended if I don’t seem to be grieving at all, because A)I never have TIME to really process everything I am feeling, and B) If I do start to think about all the loss I feel with him gone, I get so down that I am in no shape to feed or take care of my baby. C) For me to really process something, I have to do exactly this: Sit down and write it all out, which I never have time to do.
Therefore , I do not think anything outside of laundry, dishes, food, diapers and nursing. It’s a really inspiring life. I know what you’re thinking, that I need to be grateful for my (usually) happy, healthy baby, and I am. But honestly, the times that I could really feel that way are the times when I am NOT with her. When she’s sleeping peacefully and my house is cleaned, laundry folded, flowers watered, supper cooking and I’m sitting in my yellow room on my perfect yellow chair drinking coffee. Well, at least I think it will be yellow. I’m not sitting there now, in case you were wondering. The clock says 11:53 pm, and this is being “typed”’on my iPhone until I fall asleep or Mia wakes up to eat.
Speaking of sleep, that’s what I am about to do. Usually I write about some newfound Spiritual idea, but tonight, just the opposite is true. I have no answer to my problem. Love you all, goodnight!
